The Prurient Conundrum
by Mrs Soong
Summary: Sheldor vs Dark Slayer! Queen Penelope rules the underworld! And new points of interest discovered... in the supermarket? By Howard!
1. Introduction

The heavy chatter of keys echoed across the almost silent apartment.

Two girls sat mesmerized, both staring zombie-like at their respective laptop displays.

"Ooh WHAMMY time! You totally just got owned beyond belief by Sheldor!"

One girl barked manically at her partner, breaking the quiet.

"Shaddup! I've SO got this! You may think you're being flanked by the biggest hotshot on the server, but I still have my secret weapon! Arrgh! And take this, Queen Penelope!"

The second gamer clicked furiously.

"Secret weapon?"

The first sounded curious now. Eyes never leaving the screen, she shifted.

"To _what _secret weapon are you referring, Dark Slayer?"

"The _secret _one, stupid. If I told you, it would ruin the entire point--"

"Oh my god!"

Gamer One typed even more furiously.

"Sheldor wants to start a voice chat! What do I do?"

"I don't know,"

Dark Slayer scoffed.

"I personally couldn't care less. _I _have no interest in these mortal fools. And if you had any sense at ALL, Maiden of Lil'dre, you would have joined MY clan and you wouldn't keep DYING!"

She risked a quick sip out of her soda can, and quickly returned all fingers to the laptop.

"So whatever."

Maiden Lil'dre whined in frustration, then typed out a quick sentence between retaliating against goblins.

'srry cant roommate's bing wrd. cn i get ur # 2 cll l8r mb?'

She bit her lip hopefully and continued to half-heartedly annihilate goblins.

Then Dark Slayer giggled, and threw a glance at the Maiden.

"Hey, you'll never guess what Sheldor just said to me."

"What? What did he say?"

Dark Slayer typed up a quick AFK and turned her screen and opened PMs for her roommate to see.

'Hello Dark Slayer. It has come to my attention that your companion has asked for my number. I find this unnacceptable, considering her weak grasp of the English language. I'm disconnecting. Farewell.'

Maiden's eyes narrowed into slits. "What?! Who even SAYS 'farewell'?! What a freak!"

The Dark Slayer laughed, and logged off, setting her computer down.

"You meet some real weirdos on the internet, Maiden of Lil'dre. Come on,"

She stood.

"I have to go to the grocery store tomorrow. We're out of Mountain Dew... So I'm gonna hit the hay."

"Whaaaatever." Her roommate remained seated. "I'll have one last round with the boys-- and Queen P-- before I go to bed. Night-night!"

One again, the chatter of keys echoed through the apartment.


	2. Mary Stare or Merit Star?

R.E.M. sleep was Merit's only activity at this particular second. Aside from the usual, of course, breathing, pumping blood, running nerons, etcetera.

But her alarm clock had other ideas about Merit's sleep pattern, so it found it necessary to loudly protest her present state with a merry "Pomp and Circumstance" playing at just a high enough pitch to set off shudders of horror through the sleeping woman.

Merit groaned. "Shut **up**, I'm begging you..."

The alarm clock payed no heed, and continued repeating the same chunk of music until the groggy female rolled over and saw how the digital demon proudly displayed the time;

**8:37 A.M.**

Merit screamed, and momentarily fought with her sheets, only to fall onto an unforgiving wooden apartment floor.

"Shit, shat, shoot!"

She scrambled into the bathroom, hastily changing clothes, not bothering to even brush her teeth, let alone take a shower.

After throwing on the nearest clean clothing articles, Merit yelled as she ran out the door.

"**I'M LATE FOR WORK TIA! I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT!**"

And with that, she shot out of the apartment to her car.

"Third time this week, Miss Stare!" The chubby manager shook her head. "Third time! And here I am, giving you the benefit of the doubt!"

Merit cleared her throat, irritation flaring at the gross mispronunciation of her last name, Star. It was **Star**. She was the one who had it changed, for Stewart's sake!

She cleared her throat again, this time to actually speak. "Mrs Theh--"

"It's 'Tth'." The manager purred condescendingly.

_Oh, so YOU can say MY name wrong..._

"Sorry. Mrs Tth--"

"Just call me Ficba. Or Ficcy." She smiled.

_Shut up and let me finish, Ficcy._

"Alright," Merit managed a constipated smile. "Look, I know I've been off my game, but I've been really busy with my night job,"

Ficba tilted her head. "Managing websites in the middle of the night can't be that exausting, can it Mary?"

Merit flinched-- again-- and shrugged. "It just keeps me up all night. I'm sorry." She shrugged with a What-can-you-do? smile.

The older woman sighed, and slowly lifted her weight from the office chair.

"Well, just try to improve your behavior, Mary. We'll have to let you go if you keep this up."

Ficba smoothed her hair vainly and absent-mindedly. "You should get to your register now."

"Thank you, ma'am." Merit tried to hide her irritation as she stood, towering over the chubbier woman. "Thanks for this last chance."

Blond hair bouncing emphatically, 'Mary Stare' stalked out of the office, long legs taking her far fast. When she neared register 11, Merit slowed and was pulling out her passcard in anticipation of the computer's violent overreaction to being turned on, when she realized a co-worker, Shawn Dooris, was already manning her station.

"Shawn!"

He looked up. A bright smile flashed as he waved at an old lady leaving his line with her groceries.

"Hey Merit. Sorry 'bout this, but they had a double shifter today who stole my post."

"So you steal mine?" Merit grinned. "Whatev. Sign off the computer so I can start my shift."

A sudden unfamiliar voice flowed from behind Merit. "Baby, you've already started shifting... the Earth, that is."

The blond's eyebrows shot up, and she turned around grinning. "Excuse me?"

Standing behind her was a guy barely an inch taller than her, with a bowl-cut Beatles-style 'do and a big cheesy smile. He came back without hesitation. "Excuses for your beauty are unnecessary."

Merit snorted and her top teeth came down to stop her bottom lip from releasing a sharp laugh.

"Wow, do you do birthday parties? Your overstated compliments and awkward hair would suggest standard clown-like behavior."

The guy blinked, taken a tiny bit aback. Almost unconciously, definitely selfconciously, his hand went up to his hair. "I do birthday parties for big girls." The comment was suggestive, but his tone seemed to indicate he was still stuck on the hair joke.

Merit smiled and patted him on the shoulder. "Hey, taHvIp ghobe'. If I ever have a party, you're invit--"

The guy looked at her quickly. "What did you just say?"

"Uh, taHvIp ghobe'? Sorry, I just say that... it's Kling--"

"I know," He stared at her, mouth open. "It's Klingon, it means 'Fear not.'... but..."

She smiled. "Right."

"But..." Still staring, he shook his head in awe. "But you're a girl. Girls don't know Klingon."

"This one does." Merit held out a hand. "Merit Star, fantasy academy graduate, real-life Walmart check-out girl."

"Wolowitz, Howard Wolowitz." Howard took her hand and shook it firmly and enthusiastically.

Merit grinned. "Very nice to meet you, Howard." She laughed. "Can I have my hand back so I can go man the register."

"Um, sure, sure!" Sounding like he thought it a brilliant plan, Howard let go of her hand and turned around to leave. He just as quickly though turned back toward her. "Oh, Merit-- can I call you Merit?"

She nodded, still looking intrigued.

"Merit, is there some way I could get your phone number... or... something? You know, we could go out for a..." His face lit up mischeviously. "For a raktajino some time?"

Merit grinned widely at this. "Sure! Here," She grabbed a pen and scrawled ten digits on a notepad sitting behind the register. Tearing out the page and handing it to Howard, she did a re-evalution. Now, all things considered, Merit could see how this guy could be pretty awesome for a friend she knew.

"Call me any time after five, Wolowitz! I'll be waiting."

"Sure, sure!" He nodded, then ducked his head in a friendly goodbye whilst walking backwards toward the automatic doors.

Merit grinned, and turned around to access the booth, wondering twists _this _guy was gonna bring...


End file.
